Dialogue is tight and I can certainly hear your voice. That's how I know I have stumbled onto something good. I am sorry but I have no experience with critical review. Well, unless Amazon reviews count. Probably not. I read the introduction and first part and honestly the only reason I stopped there is that I have to start my nighttime routine. Shave, shower, meds, snack. Every. Single. Night. Anyway I will read more tomorrow and hopefully have more helpful feedback. Very good so far though.
"Iām no fashionista, but a suit worth that much deserves better. Heās sweating right through it, and I just know heās not going to bother to get it cleaned. Heāll probably have these guys shoot it and bury it next to me."
Everyone compliments the dialogue and tight writing, and that's all true. So I'm repeating it because the props never get old.
But that phrase above does triple-duty with incorporating setting, characterization of the crime boss, and specifies the stakes. And you do that with more than just technical skill, it comes off as natural.
You are excellent at building characters, and dialogue. Freaking snazzy job with this. I probably laughed out loud three or four times. Absolutely enjoyed reading it.
You can tell the writer sat with this for a long time working and reworking and reworking again until the prose is reduced to the perfect spare consistency. It says a lot without using a lot of words. Hammett would be proud. Makes me want to dig in and learn more about this world.
Thank you so much for those kind words! I have been working on this for a long timeā¦ too long, maybe. Itās the portal into a big world full of characters that I love. Have loved for decades. Man, seriously, thanks for reading and commenting. Iām looking forward to checking your work out too.
I've been thinking of my own world a long time, too. Eventually it has to come out, or it shrivels like a plum you forgot in the back of the fridge. I hope you like my stories. :)
Whatās the one thing you wish people would read first? Or if itās a serial, I can figure out where to start. Iām writing tonight but Iām setting aside some time to read tomorrow.
EDIT: I just checked and itās serial :) you got me with noir, man. Iāll let you know after I read the first one.
Great introduction to these characters and thiis world. Crisply written and the ironic tone of the narrator is effective and established. Definitely creates curiosity to see how they're going to get out of their predicament, and what's going on with that kite!
Dialogue is tight and I can certainly hear your voice. That's how I know I have stumbled onto something good. I am sorry but I have no experience with critical review. Well, unless Amazon reviews count. Probably not. I read the introduction and first part and honestly the only reason I stopped there is that I have to start my nighttime routine. Shave, shower, meds, snack. Every. Single. Night. Anyway I will read more tomorrow and hopefully have more helpful feedback. Very good so far though.
Thanks for reading! Iām glad you liked it so far :)
This is written really well. Thank you for sharing.
That part about the odds is such a dope lil character detail! š„š„
"Iām no fashionista, but a suit worth that much deserves better. Heās sweating right through it, and I just know heās not going to bother to get it cleaned. Heāll probably have these guys shoot it and bury it next to me."
Everyone compliments the dialogue and tight writing, and that's all true. So I'm repeating it because the props never get old.
But that phrase above does triple-duty with incorporating setting, characterization of the crime boss, and specifies the stakes. And you do that with more than just technical skill, it comes off as natural.
Well done.
Thank you so much. This is the kind of meaningful feedback that really pulls me through to the next one. I hope I can return the favor :)
I hope so too.
Just finished chapter one. Itās really good! I have to go pick up coffee for my girls but Iāll give you some feedback when I get back.
Snazzy dialogue between the characters. The narrator reminds me of Max from Last Kids on Earth. I like the light narration with heavy events.
Appreciate you, man.
You are excellent at building characters, and dialogue. Freaking snazzy job with this. I probably laughed out loud three or four times. Absolutely enjoyed reading it.
Thanks so much! Appreciate the kind words :)
A note for the file:
Everyone in this chapter is watching the gunmen.
One man is watching the kite.
Experience suggests the second man is usually correct.
ā The Archivist
Great start. Loved the lines... "āAfter school one day, I followed Ernesto home and gutted him in his back yard while his mother prepared Pozole.ā
He should pitch that to Hallmark."
Good voice and the editing shows. Thanks for the read, and I will watch for the next installment
You can tell the writer sat with this for a long time working and reworking and reworking again until the prose is reduced to the perfect spare consistency. It says a lot without using a lot of words. Hammett would be proud. Makes me want to dig in and learn more about this world.
Thank you so much for those kind words! I have been working on this for a long timeā¦ too long, maybe. Itās the portal into a big world full of characters that I love. Have loved for decades. Man, seriously, thanks for reading and commenting. Iām looking forward to checking your work out too.
You're very welcome. Your hard work shows.
I've been thinking of my own world a long time, too. Eventually it has to come out, or it shrivels like a plum you forgot in the back of the fridge. I hope you like my stories. :)
Whatās the one thing you wish people would read first? Or if itās a serial, I can figure out where to start. Iām writing tonight but Iām setting aside some time to read tomorrow.
EDIT: I just checked and itās serial :) you got me with noir, man. Iāll let you know after I read the first one.
A storm, a kite, an umbrella. Ingredients for an improbable but exciting sudden change in fortune.
Great introduction to these characters and thiis world. Crisply written and the ironic tone of the narrator is effective and established. Definitely creates curiosity to see how they're going to get out of their predicament, and what's going on with that kite!
Thanks for the comment! Iām reading yours now. Gotta eat dinner, but Iāll finish tonight and comment :)
All good.
Interested to see how this plays out. Is the kite malevolent? Looking forward to the next one!
Atmospheric... Dialogues are wild. Gutted someone so casually. š¤
āHis eyes are cold, like a reptile, like something that wants to feed me to its babies.ā š¤